Mom and Daughter Conversations about Marriage
A dilemma from 25 years woman’s point of view in the golden age.
On Saturday morning, when mom was folding the laundry while I ate breakfast, we talked about life past and my life. Then as the conversations going, it flipped talking about marriage.
👵: Have you thought about getting married yet?
👩: Mom, I just begin to live my life in a responsible and mature way.
(Without telling mom, is because I just made a clean break with the past and am starting to get my life together).
And I feel a little offended. So I said to her:
👩: Nowadays, I met men that want their wive to be at home because they found women nowadays have careers/jobs. For them, it is hard to part the chore and take care of the children if both are working.
Now I need a job to support myself so I am not fit the criteria so I am out of the dating market.
👵: No! There are men who want their wive to have a job also.
👩: Yes. But they might come from a low-income family or middle-income family. It can be because they want to be a stay-at-home dad. There are also men who want support from their wives ’ families.
I don’t want my marriage to become a misfortune since I am not comfortable enough with my monthly income to grow a new life and I married a man that still hard to support himself also.
👵: No one is ready for marriage. You don’t need to be financially stable to get married. Don’t worry about money, it will come.
👩: I will get married when I already consider myself living comfortably so I am not worrying if the man can and will give me that life.
👵: You just need to look for a rich man.
👩: Mam if they are rich, they want their wife to be beautiful (as what I see at the standard here). Not like me. I am beautiful for myself, but the dating market out here wants a wife with thick meat and fair skin.
👵: Mom went silent and smile a little.
Mind you that my mom came from 1965. It was when Indonesia had been independent for 20 years. She came from a low-income family, finished high school, and is a full-time mother when married to my father.
I and my mom live different experiences but we are the same basically because we are a woman. I admire my mom for she is disciplined. She has a strong work ethic than me. She wants everything under her control.
Every day she wakes up at 5 am. She immediately does the chores. She enjoys managing things. She can cook and everybody agrees her food tastes delicious. She is neat and can clean. She makes her hands dirty. She also loves gardening.
One thing that is so good about her is she talks with plants and pets. I’ve seen it a lot since I was little. She loves to talk with plants. She gives her plants the kindest and most nurturing words.
Even the pet is her child. Her cats love her. I know it because the cat is always answering and approaching her when my mom calls its name.
That relationship only happens with the plants and cats. I am as her child is not having that kind of healthy relationship. We have opposite thoughts.
One thing that sings her heart is when she is being needed and useful. I often saw it but I just recognized it. She cares at heart though she is bad at managing her emotions and stubborn to the degree that she is the most correct.
My mom’s nurturing side is to a greater degree. If that talent is channeled to the right place, sure she can grow and make her own money. But I think her bringing in the past is her normal that made her think the man should make money so he can be the head of the family and as wive, we need to support him.
Being said that, I am guessing myself because I don’t have a that nurturing and caring side. I have been growing to be an individualistic person who is detached from society and even mother nature.
I am on the opposite polar of my mom.
I barely can tell herbs and where is the food I eat come from. I don’t know how I can feed my baby if I can’t cook because I don’t know if the ingredients are safe enough for my baby.
To be said that, bring me to the realization that actually I have a nurturing side I have inside me. I think it is also the natural way to make us survive growing a child, taking the role of a wife and husband. Therefore why is there even a word for wife and husband?
I grew up believing that I have to be responsible for my life, whether I have a man beside me or not. So I have to make my own money, therefore, I have to work.
Now I do think it’s not necessary if I met a man whose have that awareness that the wife has a choice to be the cooker or not. Also, he understands the past bringing that makes me who I am today and values me because of what I have inside my heart.
Do I am jealous of my full-time mother? Yes to some degrees. If I can choose, and of course, I can learn, I want myself to get exposure to cooking and gardening. My parents never force me to acquire those skills except for cleaning.
I think now that is life’s skill. I want to learn how to cook. I want to share the food that I cook and have friends at dinner. We talk about life. Sharing laughs and love. How beautiful is that?
I want that life. Not a job in the capital where there are rare trees. Where everyone's moving fast that makes me afraid to slow down. I want to find a partner who loves to see green grass and evergreen trees and birds chirping often.
Honestly, I want a man who wants his wife at home because he is the one who makes money. Before it, I want to make a living comfortable enough for myself before I want married and be a stay-at-home mother plus have a career from home. Right now, the options are not fitting me.
I have flaws in my thinking. I am not generalizing all men. But here’s what I felt the dating market is like right now.
I've found a man who wants their wife to have a career but mostly it comes from upper-income families. Besides, the woman’s career is not a 9–5 job. I’ve only seen it as a businesswoman who is the CEO of her own time. She can be flexible with her time to take care home and career.
Not like what I consider myself now. I have a job, not a career. Do I love my job? I love my job but I am not sure if this is for the long term.
I’ve not met men who are rich and want their wives to pursue a 9–5 job and bring monthly average income to the home.
For what? If the husband can give her a better amount of money.
I do aware that there are men who love to see a woman having her passion. I love to have that man. The problem is I still have not met that man — whose also mind I like, flexible enough to adapt his thinking and have ambitions so he can be a good figure to our child.